Its been almost 5 years since I decided to give up alcohol and it’s taken me this long to actually write something about it publicly.  I have written about it in my journal, but just haven’t shared.  Right now I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty about my decision, but I’d like to share a reflection I wrote in May, 2013 two months after I stopped drinking.

I had a visualization during a meditation today.  Very realistic and sad.  I was standing at the base of a vast, mountainous area.  There was a dirt path leading to the mountains.  I noticed a figure walking toward me.  From a distance I could tell it was a woman.  She was holding something as she approached me.  To my amazement the woman walking toward me on the path was….me!  In one hand he held a bottle of wine and in the other was a wine glass.

“Let’s have a glass of wine,” she tempted enthusiastically.

I felt my arm begin to make a forward motion to accept this nice gesture of wine, but then quickly recoiled.  As all of this was happening, I was still trying to process the “Wendy” standing in front of me.  Something about her was different.  I sensed sadness and wanting.

I made a life choice to stop drinking on March 8, 2013.  That was the day of my last glass of wine at E.J. Phair.  This “Wendy” in front of me was with me that night.  Because of my decision, this “Wendy” lives no more.  I sent her away, never to be heard from again or so I thought.  Was this sadness and wanting I felt from her the result of sending her away?  Did she want to enter my life again?

I smiled at her.  She smiled back somewhat shyly.  She nodded her head up and down as if to say, “Okay, I get it.  I understand.”

I reached out to her.  We embraced in a long hug. 

“I have to let you go,” I whispered.

“We have had years of fun times, but there were also many not so fun times.”  “I just need to let go now.”

She looked at me blankly and lowered her head.  I kissed her gently on the cheek.

“I will miss you,” she (“Wendy”) said softly.

She turned and started back along the dirt path to the vast mountainous area from which she came.  I watched her figure get smaller and smaller until she disappeared into the mountains.  She never returned.  I never saw her again.

After I had this visualization, I had to write about how I was feeling and this is what came out.  I’m nervous about the response I will get about this post.  In the future I’m hoping to write more about my struggles with alcohol.  I know there are others like me out there who have stopped drinking and others who need some prompting to stop.

I’ll leave you with this.

xoxo  Wendy